Having Killed
by schnabeldame
Summary: One Shot. Snape having killed ... just a thought that kept nagging me and an idea that might give some peace of mind after HBP.


Severus Snape apparated to his own private apartment. The moment he felt the firm ground of his living room floor beneath his feet, he doubled over and retched. For a long time he lay there in a heap on the floor shaking and heaving. What had he done? He had always thought it would come to this. Dumbledore had known it. He had known it. So why was it bothering him so much now? Long repressed emotions bubbled up and tears were running freely down his cheeks. Why? Why was he damned to betray everyone he cared for? No, even more, everyone he had ever pledged loyalty to.

He remembered going to Dumbledore. He had not been able to look at himself in a mirror in those days – too horrible were the things he had been doing as a death eater. He could not bear to think, he could not bear to live any more. But something deep inside him had forced him not to just put an end to his life. Something had moved him to go to Dumbledore and set himself at his mercy. And offer to spy. Why had he done that? Why hadn't he just taken Dumbledore's offer to find a hideaway for him and go and lived somewhere else peacefully under an assumed name? Because he had wanted to redeem himself. And now things were even worse. It was either go back to being a Death Eater – full time or ... . There was no way the Order would believe that he had just acted on an agreement – with Dumbledore. Dumbledore had become weaker and weaker over the last few years. And after this last encounter with Voldemort it had become evident to all but the most blue-eyed people. Like Potter. Or had he? And the unbreakable bond ... He couldn't have not killed Dumbledore, even if he had wanted to. But what was worst – there was actually a part of him that had enjoyed killing him. A part of himself he had to allow to become really strong at that moment. He squirmed in self-disgust. Was he just a Death Eater by nature? No, he didn't want that, he desperately wanted to know that he wasn't that ... lost? Dumbledore's voice echoed in his mind "No Severus, no one is wholly good or wholly evil. It is our choices that make us who we are. And all of us sometimes make the right choice and sometimes make the wrong choice." Well, he had chosen to kill Dumbledore over choosing to blow his cover or die because of the unbreakable bond respectively. That made him what kind of person?

Severus got up. His whole body seemed to ache. He had never been one to admit to his emotions and he had no idea how to deal with it now. His head was pounding. He moved like an old man. Out of a small cabinet he took a vial of pain-killing potion. Then he just collapsed on the bed in a sleep of sheer exhaustion.

He was woken by a familiar burning sensation on his left forearm. He stared for a moment at the ugly black skull that stained his almost too-white skin. There would be more choices to make today. This day was not over yet. He still ached, body and soul, when he tiredly got ready to apparate.

"Severusss ... you are late." The Dark Lord's words were menacing, but his voice was not. In fact it told of barely contained glee. "But I will overlook that tonight. You have proved a most loyal servant today and I will honor that you must be tired by the fight." Severus looked around. The other Death Eaters had already arrived and were standing in a big circle around the walls of the large, dark chamber. He was facing the Dark Lord directly. "Severus, I will not lie to you. Many of your fellow Death Eathers have suspected you of foul play. They didn't think anyone could survive as long as you did as a spy directly under Dumbledore's nose without becoming one of his followers. But as I said, you did well and proved your loyalty tonight." Raising his voice to address the other Death Eaters as well he continued: "And such loyalty will always find a just reward! Severus Snape, is there anything you want from me? Ask, and if it is in my power, I will grant it."

Snape was surprised. But then he knew what he was going to ask for. "Yes my Lord. I ask you to spare young Draco Malfoy. He did his best, but he is very young. I do think he does show some promise, though. Do not kill him and give him to me to teach. That I ask of you." he ended with the traditional formula of reverent request.

Voldemort looked at him. "Granted. But make sure he does not return to his parents. I am afraid they would be a bad influence on him. I think you are right. He might make a good Death Eater at some point. You will find him in the dungeons."


End file.
